Deer Pose Yoga

Despite this learning, Esther’s yoga poses was not successful in getting her to be less fearful or to begin dating. Turning her new awareness into confidence in dating was not one of the achieved outcomes. After a few discussions with her therapist, Esther said she was stopping yoga poses and going to work on these issues on her own. One of the first things Esther did was gather her courage and accept a date from a man she met at a bar. Unfortunately, the date was a disaster. Esther found him crude and mean-spirited, and at one point during the date she lost her temper, called him a jerk, and told him, “This date is over!” It would have been useful if Esther had a coach whom she could talk to about this experience and create a dating plan that would take advantage of her self-awareness and help her achieve her goals. Esther, though, was stubborn and convinced she could handle dating on her own. She went on two other bad dates not disasters, but not very pleasant experiences before she decided dating wasn’t for her. As a result, she remained frustrated and unhappy about her inability to meet someone and form a lasting relationship. To this day, Esther is still single and has given up dating.

Unlike Esther, Buzz was always confident and a little cocky. He was a star athlete in high school and an A student as well. He was handsome and popular with his peers. He attended an Ivy League college and always had a girlfriend. He eventually got married to his college girlfriend, went to medical school, and became a surgeon. He had three daughters, and all was picture-perfect until he was forty-two years old and his wife left him for another man and requested an immediate divorce. He granted her request, but he was shattered and soon became depressed.

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Buzz started seeing a psychiatrist, who gave him an antidepressant medication. This helped him overcome his depression, and he saw a therapist as well for almost a year. Like Esther, their conversations gave him insight into why he chose and married the wrong woman for him and why he didn’t see the warning signs that the marriage was falling apart. Despite these insights, Buzz refused to start dating after the divorce. Though he wasn’t depressed any longer, he wasn’t particularly happy. When he thought about dating, he sometimes fantasized about finding “the perfect woman,” but he was terrified of being dumped again. Buzz did, however, recognize that his therapist wasn’t doing much for him and wasn’t interested in creating a strategy to deal with his dating issues. So he fired his therapist.

At first, Buzz refused to seek help from a coach or anyone else. He figured that he was a smart, successful, and good-looking guy, and his pride prevented him from contacting a coach who specialized in dating and relationships. He believed he could handle something as simple as dating on his own.

Only he couldn’t. Unlike Esther, he didn’t even try to date. Every time he met someone and thought about asking her out, he found himself paralyzed by the thought of all the things that might go wrong.

Fortunately, his best friend had been through a similar situa-tion a messy divorce and he had seen a coach to help him figure out a plan for finding a new relationship. After a number of discussions, Buzz’s best friend convinced him to try talking with the coach. In the yoga sessions and from the homework he received, Buzz worked on identifying qualities in women he now sought and those he wished to avoid in the future. In about six months, he no longer felt sad and slowly began to date with the help of his coach. He found he truly enjoyed getting to know other women, and his new dating skills helped him to be comfortable and enjoy the dates. After a year, he met a woman to whom he was greatly attracted. Soon they became more serious and eventually married, and they’ve been happy for two years and counting.

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